Day 6 of life without S

it feels like a bad dream. this whole week has made me want to write more than ever.

How much you meant to me. seeing me, seeing the person i was putting out and wanting to put out
seeing that. wanting that. supporting so much
everything leading up to this
living through figuring out what iwas doing at living skin. living through what i was trying to do with myself and what was important to me. figuring out my journey and purpose
while working together
seeing them, knowing and feeling presence
able to sit in thebquiet
able to be excited and myself in all forms
someone aware to learn and to listen
finding my friends finding my place
seeing my journey
alongside her working, through hers too
finding a same finishing line, the timing, the value of people, intention, feelings, consideration, affinity for art, expression, lost in understanding what that would mean
everything building up to this
and i want someone who cares. goes through a journey finding expression. one who listens and cares one enough curiosity and mystery coincide
one who brings out care in me, one who im comfortable in all facets. without always explaining. and with silence
i want someone who has love. brings it to their friends. one who creates and appreciates, one who finds new identity, other people care for, are attracted to, one who is consistent in their decision. one looking for rest at the same time as myself. thinks for themself. has a wall understand theirself.
one who respects my work. and one who can do tje work.
week 6 i am depressed for what i did not do and what I’m sure i feel now
its too dtraightforward. not magical now.
everything was leading up to thisnij my time in new york. that’s how it felt that’s howbit seems. i listen to me emotion. and i act upon it attuned to it aware of it ready for it. and all thingsni was waiting for this. finding a purpose and well suited belongingn inmy what i can do what i want to do and what it brings me. all things leading up to this 3 years leaving boston leaving home seeking modern enlightenment seeking chances for minds to work and people to mixnand worlds to expand. i was finding it and finding it and seeking for more ornunsure of it the speed andnthe work and the hurt and sadness and the happpiness weighing it foggy. what did i want? who was there, brought out my care, brought their heart and curiosity, brought themself, was finding their journey, at the same time as i, someone who regarded expression, where i felt myself, felt unique and independenelt, myself, after seeking for so long. bricks shattered and a whole punched straigtthrough the wall. boom. mending is hard. do i find it else where to fix it do i look for more to climb upon this tattered rock. i find constipation in exoressing now and know: a head heart disconnect will never fail. and it was always br there. feeling the heart anf seeing the heart be moved different. and whatsbstronger is feeling it. listening to it. when its rooted in sincerity and thought. and value, timing, respect, confidence, independence, curiosity, aspiration, excellence, vision, craft. it all aligns. so well. and the turmoil has to match. if its notnknown it cannot match. and it cannot be forced. it cannot be bred it cannot be made. it can only be seen it can only be taken it can only be discovered and it can only be embraced when there.

splurging and repeating what feels surface level leads to thisbfinal statement and final level above. i listen to myself. and it takes time. all things take time. find the vision and makenit clear afain with what you know. until the heart can think and the heart can move and act. this the key must be and must lie for movement, purpose, and fulfillment. sha luo. how i wish. and sha luo. how things may never be. can only listen to the heart and act with genuiety.

clear mind. listen to yourself. detail. detail. until the heart can think and the mind can move. do not get stuck. but feel. fear of the aloneness and fear of so many chances. only so many numbers and so many moments. fear of the mortality WITHOUT capitalizing. need to clear mind and work to let the heart think. so the heart can inform and push and be a voice. and so themind can movec, be interested, be driving to seek, for maybe theirself. who are you? whay do you want to find?

don’t seek for validation. ascend. lay the head down. let the darkness of you chest speak silence through you. need an emotional connection. I’m so lost. i see myself and i don’t see myself.. don’t even understand where i was and what. ithiught and where i could be.

how badly i fucked up how much a partner means to me to emotionally hold me down and work together with. it cannot be forced. it cannot be bred it cannot be made. it can only be seen it can only be taken it can only be discovered and it can only be embraced when it chooses to come. it’s how all feelings are. all. and in that way; i could not find my own could not see my own. not that they weren’t there. i failed. i let up. i let the people influence i let my mind not.