Episode of whiteness

There was an episode of seeing whiteness that triggered an episode in me of shame, displacement, belonging, curiosity from jealousy, and lack of control.

Where am I, and who was I made to be? Why does my purpose matter? And what happens after I find out? What was meant for me? Where do I draw the line between heart and mind for the future to be fulfilling? Is being fulfilled the highest metric? What does that mean? Are we to always search turmoil, are we to always be working, are we to always expect change, is it a sin to be still for the sake of being still and nothing else?