If I could count

If I could count the number of times I felt close to reaching a next level of self
If I could count the number of times I felt this close to unlocking a next chapter of my life, becoming an artist, becoming a musician?
If I could count the number of times losing a job, not finding a win, being weighed down by a part of my life that was painful, prevented me from entering a new chapter
If I could count the number of times Ive seen myself ”grow” out of an interest, or even friendship
If I could count the number of times I lay paralyzed decision
If I could count the number of times I lay paralyzed by being overwhelmed
If I could count the number of times I spoke and thought in a new tone, others would call “acting” like someone else, to feel more rewarding and more like myself, but can’t keep it up without the full help of other friends
If I could count the number of times I became uncomfortable with myself because of my hairline
If I could count the number of times I choose pleasure and brain rotting stimulation instead of looking for new brain connections