Under the weight of July - September

Yeah. I love journaling when I’m overwhelmed. When Id rather build up mental scenarios where I can lash out at people who i think just don’t get me. when I’d rather punch a wall or scream at my identical twin.

Mom - health, familial relations. taking up resources. taking up mental space that id rather not have. knowing my lack of spirituality eats away at their hearts. and is a barrier and will always be a huge one for some reason. fucking god.
Living Skin - running it alone. the work is not seen. the moving. the grit and nights of labor. discomforts of heat, no breaks day in and day out. at least thats how i feel. reminders of the reality that my value is partly found in it, even if I don’t feel that way, its how I’m perceived. taking on shitty dumb projects that don’t matter when I need the rest. can’t do it all alone. the patching and prepping and calling over stupid shit. the moving out. and cleaning and handling getting rid of all our stuff. i want to focus on my outlet. my mind. my ideas my thoughts my clean and pure observations. my LS is not a business. was always a creative and intellectual outlet.
Work - having to take on new job at Katan. Working hours at KAF. fighting daily mental battles of what it means to me and where i can take it and what it has done for me. this bidstitch stuff. supposed to put me back on my feet. but its taking years. waiting and waiting and not feeling able to launch forward with momentum and owenship. because of guilt of taking up money from parents. just sucking and sucking money. where is my clean slate.
moving - so much meaning behind this and where I’m going. but at the same time not. looking for housing staying on top of upcoming listings

people can’t help me because i think the answer is money. “If only I had money…”…… to do what, exactly??