my dad stops me on the way out
coming down a large underground tunnel
with only two exits
i know my dad is going left, me and my friends going right, my mom and sister waiting for me beyond the exit
my friends are behind me, trailing down the tunnel, but not as a group, scattered between a bunch of random people as well
my dad and i stop for him to pray over me
amidst a sea of people walking and moving looking for their exit
and whole my friends move past me when I wanted to be with them
my dad continues to pray for me. for my wellbeing. for my guidance. for my place.
but all i can think about is moving forward to one of the exits
i don’t need these prayers, i think, ive heard them a thousand times before
contemplate breaking away saying, dad i really need to go, and joining with a friend on the way out
but i don’t.
i see them all pass me, and now its certain I’m left to move through the exit and beyond alone.
finishing the prayer, my dad looks up and sees my heart, but begins to leave after leaving his blessing. All I do is say thank you.

but that moment. seeing both sides, seeing the back of my friends vs the back of my dad. my dads care, heart, and moments with him, so clearly trump. so, so clearly.

I run back up to him, eyes locked, slow and sincere.
“Dad. I love you.”
Why did this make me cry? I hug him very deeply. Sending him away. He smiles, then dissappears through the left.

I head to the right, exit through the flapped fabrics doors, to the outside ground level of a commercial airport hanger. in korea. animated out of a movie.
Ive done this before, making my way through to either get on the flight or to where i will stay, but this time alone.
I step forward, tears still in my eyes, and wake up.

—-

my dad’s love for me. an example of his care as if he knew he’d never see me again. an example of if all close ones exiled my dad, and he was only allowed to speak to me in short bursts. maybe divorce, or incarceration, a fictional divide. every example all concludes with an inexplainable heart for me.