october 1 2024
parents sending us off with prayer, watching diary of a wimpy kid with them hours prior, so uncomfortable in the slightest non-pg moments
why i have embarasdment with friends meeting parents and vice versa
they live so not of this world, so much so that is contradictory and lazy. don’t understand my desires don’t understand what i care for. the only way through is over and ahove them, in a way that positions my care and interest for the world above them. how else am i to be at rest and at terms with my parents without feeling burdened or held back by them? need to intellectually and emotionally grow past them and above them and be their. caretakers.

praying for us at the end… the easy and more zen reaction. to just take them in form of spiritual energy and building it provides. but frustrating to fully even accept it and take it in, since I’ve forsaken it for so long. Frustrating to feel guilt of christian love. parents, dad especially, so clearly want to pray for me love on me over and over again and are stubborn about it, while mostly respectful, feels so annoyong not being able to take it.

—seeing how uncfomortable and not sure of ones self, people pleasing my dad is and acts around us, especially when were hanging out, he really longs for the fun? or to be friends with my friends? or be a relatable dad like that? or let out his more non pg side? its annoying, since i don’t feel its my job to try and diagnose or have to understand.

the way they show love, its unfortunate the form of it is so not what i want. so much of my love sourced from parents, can’t take away that stability, but the form… so not what i resonate with. no conveyed feeling of respect, maturity, frust, intellect. more of ownership and crowding nature and love into my heart and life. very unnerving and in my eyes not loving way of allowing someone to live and grow.

this is a reflection of my soul and a reflection of me. I cannot accept simple love purely because unconditional affection does not make sense to me. it is weak, it is selfless and pointless, it shows no passion and no curiosity.

the guilt affects me still. who wants something when they feel they don’t deserve it? not that I am a bad person, but am not of which they are so in love with. and worry about. shows and makes it feel the love is only transactional or meant to persuade me. fuck that shit man let me live my fucking life don’t you care about my soul? fuck. think. jesus christ, use your brain.

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need to keep forward with movement, don’t look back, no regrets, live forward with emotion - find love for emotion again. only way to be ready and able to exist