I’m not really thinking about this opening reception

whitebox 001. an amazing day.

I couldnt count the number of friendly faces and new faces that came to our opening reception. many asked me how i felt, what i’m taking away from it. trying hard to find what interesting take i have or can bring to the table

i don’t even want to say i was overwhlemed, i didn’t feel too decidedly overburdened, but a lot comes from preparation.
why was i not satsfied, why was i not ale to fully take it in, enjoy it? I can’t believe things went the way the did, I loved being able to connect people, to spotlight expressers new and old. but was i missing something? where do i go from here? did i need more recognition? was there too much? was i dishonest with myself? surely i am not alone in feeling this way. but this was the first show we ever did. why was i already thinking of how the 23rd one would go? fearing if they would all feel this way. would i be good at this? handling myself in a way that was most authentic and proud of and felt most like myself in talking to everyone? thank you to all the gentle unashamed spirits that saw my spirit and felt the need to care, to relate. fated that masculinity was in talks with this same weekend / sleiu of few days. i should be strong willed, confident, constantly moving forward, thinking about the money, a personable leader, able to handle all these things with poise and control over myself. maybe i was perceived as some of these things, but perception is different than genuineness. i find myself most interesting when i am able to let words flow through me rather than be constnatly prodded and provoked to speak > well, that’s not super true. i also find solace and proudness through piercing consciosness and sharpness in my mind, conversing with friends, considering projects both big and small, holding a level of wit to everything i do. sometimes tiring, but that invokes growth then right?

i think that was probably one part of the opening, not knowing exactly who i was and what i was doing.i just kept following the “right step” after “right step”, and viola, the “right outcome” happened. another part of it was definitely fufillment of lifestyle. the connections and potential for this to be a sustainable lifestyle was not apparent. the connections maybe, definitely some strong willed and inviting persons present that i hope to continue sustaining relations with. but the lifestyle and i guess financial side of things, so not there, not at fault of the show though, the hole of debt that continues to grow deeper in my heart is still there. even if there was an angel debt savior. it wouldnt save the problem. i don’t think I’m good at appreciating huge favors like that, they don’t sit right with me. i would fail to serve them in a fufilling way. at least that’s the fear i have. so many things are long term investments, fast is not good. i believe this but what in my life is supporting this? not even tea, reading, consuming music or film, am i consistent in any of these practices that seem to be fruitful in the long run.

pointlessness is a lifelong disease, we are just constantly searching for remedies to it. i know answers have been clear to me in the past. I’m my own therapist for now lol. continue working to see it come back, the larger goals.

a cup of coffee, milk spiraling through the center of it — i love life. i hope to cry. i hope to laugh. i hope to make sense of it all.